It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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