FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.