its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.