I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
