I just pynch a tree in the face
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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