You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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