Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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