We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
