im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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