Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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