Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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