I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
