She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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