Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
