when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
