it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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