well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
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It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
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Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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