I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
