Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
