saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
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are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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