he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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