i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
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It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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