When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
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You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
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I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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