yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
