This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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