at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
