I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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