I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
