this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
