Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.