I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
You came to the right person.