Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder