I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?