i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...