Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
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if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
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Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.