i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
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Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
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I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave