I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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