I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
as a side note pls kill me
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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