WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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