Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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