I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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