I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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