I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
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I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
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You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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