I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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