The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went