I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
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Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
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I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday