3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
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It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
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It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots