I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage