I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
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Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
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We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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