i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
