I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
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You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
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Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?