I accidentally burped into my bong.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids