checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
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If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
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I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.