I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.