Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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