We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.