is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat