I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
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Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye