that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.