I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
she pinky promised me she was 18
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I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
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You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room