Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
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