My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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