Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?