I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
